it’s easier to throw in the towel…

Half an hour ago, I wanted to burst out crying and give up on rediscovering my little rain dance.

My son was having a melt down, because I burst his balloon (literally….).

We have been struggling this morning. I did my daily pages (more on that later) while he played with the dish washing water. I stretched while he played with his trains. I moved while he played trucks. I felt conflicted the whole time. My presence was going inward, and the guilt….

It’s really important to me that I do not interrupt my son’s play ‘flow’. That he knows I am there, but that he can go deep into his imaginative worlds for as long and as self directed as he wishes.

Along side that, it is important to me that he feels seen, heard, loved, appreciated, deeply connected with me because he knows I am there for him….

Sometimes we flow side by side. In the past my flow has been domestic or practical….cook, clean, pack the bags, shower, get dressed, etc. But now, I am fixated on the idea of allowing time for my flow to be artistic.

When I sneak moments of artistic in and we are flowing smoothly. Our connections in between are so profound. Grounded. Content.

Today though. Eiks!

This morning our flow clashed. I don’t know why. He`really wanted me to push the big truck. And I really wanted to stay in my zone of ‘starting on my little rain dance’. I guess I’ve got this new found pressure on myself as a result of my commitment to this personal project.

We went for a walk to the park to step out of the tension.

And when we returned we talked, we cuddled. He needed to talk about his fear of the big truck that was doing work down the road. And I listened with all my heart. Soaking up his gorgeous features, pauses, repetitions and gestures as he`told his story.

“Wow! That truck really shook you up didn’t it”.

“Mummy was with you and held you close, and we walked safely around the truck”

Now he sleeps. And as I cuddled his sleeping self the internal fear for me was loosing that connection as I try to do my daily practice. Being absent.- ly present.

And then that’s when I realised its a day to day process.

The “Mummy is having a shower” flow was a struggle at first and now its easy. Sometimes he brings toys into the bathroom, or pulls faces through the glass. Other times he has solo adventures in other parts of the house.

I guess we just need to get used`to the new addition of my creative rituals to our day.

And if they are not working. I can’t let the pressure create conflict. I have to stop. I have to smell the`roses. Push the truck. Listen. Just stop. Let the project go for a minute. Because, right now, the internal conflict of my not being present could result in my throwing in the towel, and that is not what I want to do.

You know, something that helped was a perfect timing post from visual artist Lily Mae Martin. Her honesty is ever appreciated as she struggles with creating her art and parenting particularly while her partner is busier than usual with work. I get it! But it also provided some self-compassion. And your right Lily Mae we have to find ways around the struggles, especially when without village. Every day. Day by day. And I don’t think that means it’s a hobby. It is actually the conflict, the struggle, the tears, the relief, the flow, the non-flow, the breaks, the listening, the fear of the truck, the exhaustion, the balancing act that creates a work of art.

Isn’t it?

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